word art --- REDEFINED

amidst my boring life ...

i came home and had a drink after a long day at the library .. and had some photobooth fun

when i was 4 years old, i met K and S. we carpooled to kindergarten together. we went thru elementary school together, played at recess together, passed notes to each other, and played manhunt in the woods by our houses. we formed a triangle and met in the middle to ride our bikes around the neighborhood or to go play kickball with the other kids in our neighborhood. around jr high and high school, we drifted apart. we fought. we ganged up on each other, and in the end, we remained friends. from high school on, K and I stayed the closest. we were sisters. we attended different high schools, but would meet after school at her house and sit around and hang out. we met our high school sweethearts around the same time. we broke up with them around the same time. we carried each other through the tears and laughter. we attended different colleges and visited each other once a year. we switched off when the other would visit and would meet back during holidays back at our childhood homes.

K and I met D in junior high. K and D were the "couple" of junior high. she likened it to a love story like in the movies brown sugar and in love and basketball. then she met john while D was on vacation. she went to a different high school, D and I attended public high school together. we were all part of the same group of friends. after high school, we had all completed our freshman years of college at our respective schools and were home for the summer. K and D rekindled their adolescent love affair, this time for real. when summer ended and we returned to school, they tried to make it work. she ended up cheating on him and then it ended. D refused to talk to K. when your first love tears you down, what do you expect? For two years, he didn't speak to her.

four years ago, i was lost. the summer before junior year of college, i got an apartment in new york city and moved into a place with friends from college. i was at the end of a tumultuous involvement. i was abusing drugs and alcohol. i was experimenting with a single life i never knew and doing it in a self destructive and reckless manner. i was being promiscuous. i was being selfish and trying to live the life i thought i wanted.

i took the train home one day to spend the weekend catching up with childhood friends and attended a party. D reconciled with K. I was happy. D and I had started becoming closer friends and I wanted to keep neutral between my two friends. that night, we all had been drinking for hours. I had been doing other substances in addition. somehow, D ended up in the same room as me alone. he kissed me. and then it started.

I was thirsting for love. i was thirsting for something. K had commented on what had happened at the party. she didnt say anything disapproving, and even wanted to gossip about it and asked me how it was. before looking, i jumped. i slept with D. my guilt overwhelmed me and i told K the truth. I told her i loved her and if she wanted to me to stop, i would. she gave me her approval. so i continued. she hasnt spoken to me since. despite multiple attempts on my end. even when my father gave me a black eye one late night in august, i called her for help. she offered to send her boyfriend to the rescue. i declined.

our lives got busy. hers returned home after college, and i remained in new york. i still sent messages, cards, and calls for holidays and birthdays. i believed, we would never be the same again. so much time has passed. where could we even start? but we had always been able to pick up where we left off before.. i realized, it would be different this time.. but we could still salvage something. anything.

last thanksgiving i learned through the grapevine she was engaged. i emailed and congratulated her. she actually responded. we were short in our communications.

now she is getting married. she has sent out invitations to her engagement party, and amongst all of our childhood friends, i have been singled out and left out. despite my repeated attempts at forgiveness, i believe now it is beyond a doubt, that there is no recovery for our friendship. I had a glimmer of hope, and now i realize it is futile.

that is how best friends become strangers.

life takes this way and that. it leads you through a corn field in the dark and drops you there so you can awake in bewilderment. it pours that extra shot of tequila down your throat and wakes you in the morning with a splitting headache. it brings you to places you never thought you would end up. and it drags you back to where you thought you'd never return.

sometimes it feels like im watching my own life being lived out by an actress cast to play me, in technicolor, or streaming video on the web.. its quite surreal.

ive gained a new respect for lawyers, not by working for any of them... but by going to school with would be attorneys and lawyers.

i had kicked my insomnia problem for awhile. but i think its back now.

where i am now -- i am still in brooklyn, currently looking to move to another apartment, in brooklyn, again. i am also attending brooklyn law school now. my focus is now entirely on ME. my career. my education. things I need.

since my blog has seemed to always center around me and my joke of a love life .. there are really about no updates. i have somewhat been seeing someone.. however, im not really too concerned about that and will let that play out however it plays out. at the moment, my list of priorities is to find a new apt, a new part time job, and concentrate on school above all else. i hope that eventually.. love will find me. though i have to say after the dirty italian fiasco (we no longer speak, even as friends, and have been mutually avoiding each other since) that i dont quite want to do any of that any time soon. it seems that my romantic endeavors continually blow up in my face.

i also quite recently returned from a whirlwind backpacking trip through guatemala. it helped reset me.. my perspective, my attitude... my outlook.

I hope that you all have been well... im currently, albeit slowly, reading up on back-blogs.

maybe .. life has been busy. lots has happened. i am in a new phase of my life and still trying to make changes. ive realized many things .. and trying to make things work in a way ...

some things never change though. or maybe i am just looking in all the wrong places or expecting the wrong things in all senses. ever feel like u have lost faith? i keep feeling like that...

so im going to focus on what truly matters.

sorry my return post is so ultra vague.. but what do u expect at 5 am on a friday morning.

what is it that worries so much about other people's opinions of us, or their judgment? why is it that we worry so much about how other people may or may not view our actions as an indication of our poor character or not? i try to not be judgmental and be openminded but that has often times fcked me over.

and how is that these judgments sometimes drive us to lie or embellish the truth?

i sometimes found msyelf embellishing the truth .. for no reason at all. i found myself straight LYING about stupid shit, for no reason.. well there was a reason.. because i had done something not so great and i didnt want to be judged for it. but im horrible at lying, becuas ei dont remember when i do (which is why ive leaned more on the side of always telling the truth, because i cant keep up any lie) and why should i care what people say. i have no explanation.

i'm ready to move and get the hell out of new york now. a fresh start is needed, a break from the same old routine and from this crazy city for awhile perhaps to bring a new perspective.

its been awhile since my last post. ive been wandering. ive found it difficult to write lately. i find it hard to finding the words to articulate exactly what i want to convey. fck it. even now i dont have the words.

i inherited my mother's tendency to worry in life. i toss and turn in bed because all the worries of life start running through my head. i worry about everything under the goddamn sun. and i cant sleep. even when im tired. i cant sleep. i can sleep when im so intoxicated all i can think about is sleep. ive lost motivation and drive and direction. what do i want to do with LIFE!!

how am i supposed to be going to law school.... i cant seem to think rationally. ive lost passion and desire. i dont know what it is i want anymore.

i must've done something wrong in my past or past life... because i always seem to get hit with something ridiculous. or maybe i am just one of those people who is destined to be constantly jumping hurdles my entire life.

you can say life is really all about overcoming ur hardships.. without the sour, the sweet just wouldnt be as sweet.

sometimes.. i really do wonder though.

i have to come up with 5 grand as soon as possible. I will take any donations or contributions. i am willing to negotiate an exchange of services for goods or goods for funds or what have you.

I wish this didnt overshadow my wonderful trip to the DR. ill show pictures soon... when i clean up my life again.

am·biv·a·lence noun 1. uncertainty or fluctuation, esp. when caused by inability to make a choice or by a simultaneous desire to say or do two opposite or conflicting things. 2. Psychology. the coexistence within an individual of positive and negative feelings toward the same person, object, or action, simultaneously drawing him or her in opposite directions.



welcome to my life. or is this just a continuation of quarterlife crisis emo angst bullshit?

i'm antsy. because i am nearing a point where i will have to put a deposit down at a school..and choose.. and start being a 'real' person. i still have not a clue as to where i will be. it nags at me .. to not be sure at all where i will be in the next 6 months. my life is unstable and uncertain.. sometimes i thrive on that. and other times it scares the living shit out of me. and i am still searching for a way to work it all out. i am ambivalent about so many things in my life, and i am constantly feeling pulled in two opposite directions as i try to keep steady on the tightrope between the two.